Week 764: Can You Up Chuck?

The contest this week was to come up with "facts" about Chuck Norris which show just how much of a living legend he is, such as those found at chucknorrisfacts.com.

Here are my non-inking entries:

Chuck Norris actually invented the Internet, but he lets Al Gore think he did.

You feeling lucky, punk? Well, are you? Try Googling "Chuck Norris".

The Ancients almost had it right--the Sun and stars revolve around Chuck Norris.

There are actually five things harder than diamond: Chuck's fists, feet, and nerve.

Nerves of steel are nothing. Chuck has nerves of Norris.

Chuck Norris eats BREAKFAST for breakfast.

God considered adding the commandment, "Thou shalt obey Chuck Norris," but He knew even WE knew that!

Chuck Norris has turned down 763 Inkers because he's just that kind of guy.

It's Chuck Norris' world...you just live in it (until you piss him off!).

If Chuck was alive when Newton created his three rules of motion, four of them would involve Chuck.

The Beatles originally consisted of just Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris killed Paul.

Aliens exist, but they won't attack because Chuck is here.

If you even think of sneaking up on Chuck, you're already dead.

Chuck Norris' TV has twice the channels and three times the resolution than yours does.

Chuck can toast his bread with just a glance.

If Chuck Norris had a dime for everyone he killed, he'd be as rich as Chuck Norris, and have one heck of a pile of dead bodies.

If you laid everyone Chuck has killed end to end, we could finally measure just how big the universe is.

If Chuck is in an especially good mood, he'll pull your intestines out an existing hole instead of making a new one.

Diamond saws are sharpened on Chuck's skin.

Chuck can turn Ironman into canned man AND get the label's nutritional info correct in about three seconds.

Chuck could throw the space shuttle into orbit, but NASA never asked.

What is the escape velocity of the earth? Get Chuck mad and you can find out!

When we had a little terrorist problem in Iraqistan, we sent in Chuck (there's a reason you never heard of Iraqistan...).

Who enforces the law of gravity? Chuck Norris.

Einstein allowed one exception to the rule that nothing can exceed the speed of light...Chuck Norris' fists.

It's not a coincidence that no asteroid has hit earth in the last 68 years.

Fort Knox's security system: A sign on the door that says "This facility protected by Chuck Norris."

66% of global warming is caused by Chuck Norris' workouts.

Arnold Schwarzenegger picks up Chuck Norris' dogs' poop, and Slyvester Stallone washes the sidewalk clean afterwards (and no, Chuck didn't need to ask!).

Chuck mashes his potatoes with a single glance.

Chuck's eggs come out of the shell pre-beaten.

Chuck died once, but God was so intimidated, he sent him back.

The only reason Chuck can't walk on water is that when he tries to, water gets out of his way.

Chuck Norris is better than Captain Kirk AND Picard. 'Nuf said.

Uranium becomes depleted when it tries to compare itself to Chuck.

If you knew what part of Chuck Norris coffee comes from, you wouldn't drink it.

CNN actually stands for the Chuck Norris Network, but he is too modest to admit it.

DuPont still has not been able to make Lycra stretchy enough to make a shirt for Chuck that won't rip when he flexes his muscles.

Black holes are where Chuck DIDN'T pull his punches.

Chuck Norris stole the Devil's soul...and uses it to clean his boots.

Murphy's second law: Don't do Chuck wrong!

Forget terawatts! The total power usage of the world today is two Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks and one punch.

Paul Bunyan DREAMS he could be half as strong as Chuck Norris.

The first law of thermodynamics is ask Chuck's permission first.

If only a way could be found to penetrate Chuck's skin to take a blood sample, we'd have a vaccine for every known disease.

God knew enough to create Chuck first--the rest of the universe was simply threatened into existence.

Even grain alcohol has too much water in it for Chuck's taste.

Juggle 3 chainsaws? Yawn. Chuck can juggle 5 H-bombs, while they're exploding.

Diamonds aren't really rare. It's just that Chuck gets bored of squeezing coal.

Tsunamis are really caused when Chuck belly flops into the ocean.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and Chuck Norris is from wherever the hell he wants.

Chuck Norris will, by definition, live forever, since he is the force that keeps the universe in existence.

There are actually 11 dimensions...three spacial dimensions, one time dimension, and seven Chuck Norris dimensions.

The earth only keeps spinning since Chuck Norris occasionally goes jogging.

The blackjack dealer pays Chuck double on every hand, without Chuck having to turn his cards over.

Chuck Norris has to tiptoe on any portion of the mantle less than one mile thick.

Chuck has to use Kevlar to floss his teeth, since steel is five times too weak.

Week 748: Dead Letters

This week's contest was to write a humorous poem about a well-known personage who died in 2007. Here's my losing entry:

Tho' Momofuku Ando's dead
His invention keeps me fed.
Whenever I am short on dough,
Do I hunger? Heavens no!
I still can buy his Cup O' Noodles
(It sure does beat that food of poodles!).

Week 746: We Err The World

This week's contest was to come up with mottos for any country in the world. Here are my losing entries:

Brazil: True owner of the Amazon domain

Argentina: Here's the beef!

United Kingdom: Family run since 1707

England: Family run since 829

Panama: Come for the canal, stay for the hats!

Switzerland: Take money, not sides

France: Birthplace of the snotty waiter

China: Lead-free by 2050!

China: Execution capital of the world

Week 737: No River, No Woods

This week's contest was to write a song parody which commemorates a holiday other than Christmas and Hanukkah. I chose to write mine about Black Friday:

"Black Friday Bills" (sung to “Jingle Bells”)

Black Friday is here!

I’ll get in line by 4.

This better be my year

To be first in the door.

Why stop at two or three--

I fill each shopping cart.

To bolster China’s GNP,

I always do my part.

Credit cards, credit cards,

Credit all the way!

Oh! what fun it is to spend

A whole year’s hard-earned pay!

Cash is so passé;

I don’t use it any more.

(Oh, look at that display--

I'll take just three or four!)

I max out every card

On junk no one will need--

Just give me lawn gnomes for my yard

And snowmen dressed in tweed!

Credit cards, credit cards,

Credit all the way!

Oh! what fun it is to spend

A whole year’s hard-earned pay!

The offers never stop

Despite my credit score;

No matter how I shop,

The postman just brings more.

More debt I will accrue

And this does not me faze,

Since I know the bills aren’t due

For twenty-two more days!

Ooooooh, credit cards, credit cards,

Credit all the way!

Oh! what fun it is to spend

A whole year’s hard-earned pay!

Week 726: Limerixicon 4

This contest was to write a humorous limerick based on a word from the range cl- to co-.

Here's my losing entry:

In Cooperstown, where there's a hall
For the legends who swatted the ball,
The name Bonds you won't see
(Not unless you go pee,
'Cause I wrote it myself in the stall!).

Week 720: The Course of Humor Events

This week's contest was to sum up a historical event in a two-line rhyme or other clever and pithy epigram.

Here are my entries:

1775: On to Concord rode Paul Revere
(But stopped in Lexington to have a beer)

1987: "Gorbachev, tear down these walls,"
Reagan dared, "if you have the balls!"

1492: Columbus sailed the ocean blue--
Why he was cold I never knew

1492: Columbus sailed the ocean blue--
Why he was sad I never knew

44 B.C. They stabbed poor Caesar in the back
(for picking friends, he had no knack)

1925: Of shaving cream/Those signs did rave
You know the name/It's Burma Shave!

1967: I'll never forget that Summer of Love
(my deadbeat son still lives above!)

1967: That Summer of Love was so carefree
(At least until the pregnancy)

1909: Fortune cookies make their pitch
Confucius finally finds his niche

1879: Mrs. Edison was the first who said,
"Switch off the light and come to bed!"

Week 681: Ticket to Write

This week's contest: Write a jingle for a business (or its product), organization or government agency, set to a Beatles song.

Here are my two parodies:

I Saw Her MySpace Page

Well, she was just “seventeen”
(You know what I mean)
And the way she looked
Was way beyond compare
So how could I chat with another,
Oh, when I saw her MySpace page

Well, she IMed me
and I, I could see
That before too long
I'd fall in love with her
I wouldn't chat with another
Oh, when I saw her MySpace page

Well, I am blessed
I accepted her request
And she accepted mine

So, we chat through the night
And I held that mouse so tight
And before too long
I fell in love with her
Now I'll never chat with another
Oh, when I saw her MySpace page

Well, my heart went bam
When I clicked her ‘cam
And I saw her underwear

So, we chat through the night
And I held that mouse so tight
And before too long
I fell in love with her
Now I'll never chat with another
Oh, when I saw her MySpace page
Oh, since I saw her MySpace page
Yeah, well, since I saw her MySpace page

A Hard Day's Night
(brought to you by Viagra®)

It's been a hard day's night, we’re going at it like dogs
It's been a hard day's night, it’s still as stiff as a log
When I got home to you, I took that little blue pill
It made me feel alright

You know I work all day to get you money to buy you things
And it's worth it just to hear you say, let’s go have us a fling
So I will get you to moan, 'cause when I get you alone
You know it feels ok

When I'm home everything seems to be right
When I'm home feeling you holding it tight, tight

Owww!

So I will get you to moan, 'cause when I get you alone
You know it feels ok

When I'm home everything seems to be right
When I'm home feeling you holding it tight, tight, yeah

It's been a hard day's night, we’re still going on strong
It's been a hard day's night, I’ll keep it up all night long
When you want that old thrill, I take that little blue pill
It makes me feel alright

You know it feels alright
You know it feels alright...

Week 695: Dead Letters

This week's contest was to write a poem about someone who died in 2006.

Mister Peter Benchley
Who wrote a book called Jaws
Has gone to his creator
And that should give us pause
For though he’s up in heaven
You know he still is scheming
It won’t be just the ocean
That makes you run out screaming
For when you least expect it
(Perhaps while in the loo)
His ghost just might appear
And all he’ll say is BOO.

If you’re a deposed leader
‘06 was not your year
Milosevic was first to go
Not many shed a tear
He lost his last election
And then he went to jail
But before he got his due
His heart, perhaps, did fail.
Next to go was Pinochet
The Ex-Jefe of Chile
He crushed his opposition
And killed them willy-nilly
And last of all there’s Saddam
Found in his spider hole
For crimes against humanity
They hung him from a pole
So as we look both back
And forward as would Janus
The only words that come to mind
Are Sic Semper Tyranis

Week 699: Our Greatest Hit

This week's contest: Take a word, term or name that begins with E, F, G or H; add one letter, subtract one letter, replace one letter or transpose two letters; and define the new word.

Furmentation--what happens to roadkill that has been in the sun too long

Gamblur--someone who doesn't realize just how much they've lost

Gramma rays--the guilt you feel because you know, somehow, your grandma is watching you

Ginetics--procreating while drunk; blaming your low IQ on fetal alcohol syndrome

Gestopo--(usually preceded by The) The Pregnancy Police; people who feel the need to give advice to pregnant women ("you really should stop drinking, smoking, etc"), pronounced with a soft G, as in gestation

Getto--(usually preceded by The) Subdivisions filled with conspicuous consumers

Hallotween--that awkward age when you're too old to trick-or-treat but not old enough to drive or drink

Grannulation--the sneaking up of grandmother-hood; the gradual acceptance that you really are old

Week 707: What Would YOU Do?

This contest was to write a poem using only the 236 words that appear in The Cat in the Hat. I took that a step further, and wrote poems related to The Cat in the Hat.

The Cat in the Hat: Behind the Rhymes
We are all big now,
Yes, Sally and I.
Now we can tell you
The what and the why.

There was no tall cat,
No Thing One or Two.
The fish did not fall,
And said nothing, too.

We made it all up,
To mess with your mind.
We did it for fun,
And not to be kind.

You are the fish
That bit on our hook—
We made out well
From this little book!

The Cat in the Hat (Epilogue)
I did tell my mother
What went on here that day,
And she said some bad things—
Things I should not say!

She did not think it funny,
Not one little bit.
Oh, man, did she hit me!
She hit
hit
hit
hit!

Thump! on my back,
And Bump! on my head.
She hit and she hit
So her hand got all red.
And for day after day,
I had to sit on my bed.

Some Cat in the Hat limericks:

Our mother can not net a man.
(The last one she had, well, he ran.)
You know what I think?
Go get something pink—
Put that gown with the dots in the can!

A slightly more risque version:

Our mother can not bed a man.
(The last one she had, well, he ran.)
Do you know what I think?
She should get something pink
That will get him to look at her can!

Some Cat in the Hat haiku:

Man-cat came to play
Why did I let him come in?
Mother can not know!

Cat has a tall hat
What do you think is in it?
Find out in Book Two!

I think I see Things
When did we get that big cat?
I will give up pot

That cat made a mess
We will be in deep do-do
Sally—she did it!

Mother is not home
We have the run of the house
Why not let him in?

Week 716: The Hard Spell

In this contest, we were supposed to write a poem using a word from the 2007 National Spelling Bee. With this entry, I was hoping for the "Used More Words Than Anyone Else" award, but alas, no such award was given. I decided to replace the nonsense words in The Jabberwocky with real, albeit obscure, words. Almost all of the words are actually used correctly. I took some liberties with a couple, but only if there was no good word from the Spelling Bee list to use. Without further ado, I present:

The Sardoodledom
(with apologies to Lewis Carroll)

'Twas flebile, and the noctilucous girolles
Were acariasis in the haze;
All scytodepsic were the ophidians,
And the leucoryx did graze.

"Beware the Sardoodle, my son!
The polyphyodont jaws, the unguiculatey toe!
Beware the Beccafico, and shun
The furfuraceous Rascacio!”

He took his fauchard sword in hand,
Long time the stramineous foe he sought—
So rested he by the ruderal tree,
And was sejant awhile in thought.

And, as in saiminic thought he stood,
The Sardoodle, with eyes of flame,
Came wafture through the otate wood,
And grognarded as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The fauchard blade made it helzel!
He let it exsiccate, and with its head
He abseiled back pell mell.

"And hast thou slain the Sardoodle?
Come to my arms, my vituline boy!
Oberek day! Genizah! Rigaree!"
He schuhplattlered for joy.

'Twas flebile, and the noctilucous girolles
Were acariasis in the haze;
All scytodepsic were the ophidians,
And the leucoryx did graze.