Monday, June 9, 2008

Week 764: Can You Up Chuck?

The contest this week was to come up with "facts" about Chuck Norris which show just how much of a living legend he is, such as those found at chucknorrisfacts.com.

Here are my non-inking entries:

Chuck Norris actually invented the Internet, but he lets Al Gore think he did.

You feeling lucky, punk? Well, are you? Try Googling "Chuck Norris".

The Ancients almost had it right--the Sun and stars revolve around Chuck Norris.

There are actually five things harder than diamond: Chuck's fists, feet, and nerve.

Nerves of steel are nothing. Chuck has nerves of Norris.

Chuck Norris eats BREAKFAST for breakfast.

God considered adding the commandment, "Thou shalt obey Chuck Norris," but He knew even WE knew that!

Chuck Norris has turned down 763 Inkers because he's just that kind of guy.

It's Chuck Norris' world...you just live in it (until you piss him off!).

If Chuck was alive when Newton created his three rules of motion, four of them would involve Chuck.

The Beatles originally consisted of just Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris killed Paul.

Aliens exist, but they won't attack because Chuck is here.

If you even think of sneaking up on Chuck, you're already dead.

Chuck Norris' TV has twice the channels and three times the resolution than yours does.

Chuck can toast his bread with just a glance.

If Chuck Norris had a dime for everyone he killed, he'd be as rich as Chuck Norris, and have one heck of a pile of dead bodies.

If you laid everyone Chuck has killed end to end, we could finally measure just how big the universe is.

If Chuck is in an especially good mood, he'll pull your intestines out an existing hole instead of making a new one.

Diamond saws are sharpened on Chuck's skin.

Chuck can turn Ironman into canned man AND get the label's nutritional info correct in about three seconds.

Chuck could throw the space shuttle into orbit, but NASA never asked.

What is the escape velocity of the earth? Get Chuck mad and you can find out!

When we had a little terrorist problem in Iraqistan, we sent in Chuck (there's a reason you never heard of Iraqistan...).

Who enforces the law of gravity? Chuck Norris.

Einstein allowed one exception to the rule that nothing can exceed the speed of light...Chuck Norris' fists.

It's not a coincidence that no asteroid has hit earth in the last 68 years.

Fort Knox's security system: A sign on the door that says "This facility protected by Chuck Norris."

66% of global warming is caused by Chuck Norris' workouts.

Arnold Schwarzenegger picks up Chuck Norris' dogs' poop, and Slyvester Stallone washes the sidewalk clean afterwards (and no, Chuck didn't need to ask!).

Chuck mashes his potatoes with a single glance.

Chuck's eggs come out of the shell pre-beaten.

Chuck died once, but God was so intimidated, he sent him back.

The only reason Chuck can't walk on water is that when he tries to, water gets out of his way.

Chuck Norris is better than Captain Kirk AND Picard. 'Nuf said.

Uranium becomes depleted when it tries to compare itself to Chuck.

If you knew what part of Chuck Norris coffee comes from, you wouldn't drink it.

CNN actually stands for the Chuck Norris Network, but he is too modest to admit it.

DuPont still has not been able to make Lycra stretchy enough to make a shirt for Chuck that won't rip when he flexes his muscles.

Black holes are where Chuck DIDN'T pull his punches.

Chuck Norris stole the Devil's soul...and uses it to clean his boots.

Murphy's second law: Don't do Chuck wrong!

Forget terawatts! The total power usage of the world today is two Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks and one punch.

Paul Bunyan DREAMS he could be half as strong as Chuck Norris.

The first law of thermodynamics is ask Chuck's permission first.

If only a way could be found to penetrate Chuck's skin to take a blood sample, we'd have a vaccine for every known disease.

God knew enough to create Chuck first--the rest of the universe was simply threatened into existence.

Even grain alcohol has too much water in it for Chuck's taste.

Juggle 3 chainsaws? Yawn. Chuck can juggle 5 H-bombs, while they're exploding.

Diamonds aren't really rare. It's just that Chuck gets bored of squeezing coal.

Tsunamis are really caused when Chuck belly flops into the ocean.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and Chuck Norris is from wherever the hell he wants.

Chuck Norris will, by definition, live forever, since he is the force that keeps the universe in existence.

There are actually 11 dimensions...three spacial dimensions, one time dimension, and seven Chuck Norris dimensions.

The earth only keeps spinning since Chuck Norris occasionally goes jogging.

The blackjack dealer pays Chuck double on every hand, without Chuck having to turn his cards over.

Chuck Norris has to tiptoe on any portion of the mantle less than one mile thick.

Chuck has to use Kevlar to floss his teeth, since steel is five times too weak.