Week 681: Ticket to Write

This week's contest: Write a jingle for a business (or its product), organization or government agency, set to a Beatles song.

Here are my two parodies:

I Saw Her MySpace Page

Well, she was just “seventeen”
(You know what I mean)
And the way she looked
Was way beyond compare
So how could I chat with another,
Oh, when I saw her MySpace page

Well, she IMed me
and I, I could see
That before too long
I'd fall in love with her
I wouldn't chat with another
Oh, when I saw her MySpace page

Well, I am blessed
I accepted her request
And she accepted mine

So, we chat through the night
And I held that mouse so tight
And before too long
I fell in love with her
Now I'll never chat with another
Oh, when I saw her MySpace page

Well, my heart went bam
When I clicked her ‘cam
And I saw her underwear

So, we chat through the night
And I held that mouse so tight
And before too long
I fell in love with her
Now I'll never chat with another
Oh, when I saw her MySpace page
Oh, since I saw her MySpace page
Yeah, well, since I saw her MySpace page

A Hard Day's Night
(brought to you by Viagra®)

It's been a hard day's night, we’re going at it like dogs
It's been a hard day's night, it’s still as stiff as a log
When I got home to you, I took that little blue pill
It made me feel alright

You know I work all day to get you money to buy you things
And it's worth it just to hear you say, let’s go have us a fling
So I will get you to moan, 'cause when I get you alone
You know it feels ok

When I'm home everything seems to be right
When I'm home feeling you holding it tight, tight

Owww!

So I will get you to moan, 'cause when I get you alone
You know it feels ok

When I'm home everything seems to be right
When I'm home feeling you holding it tight, tight, yeah

It's been a hard day's night, we’re still going on strong
It's been a hard day's night, I’ll keep it up all night long
When you want that old thrill, I take that little blue pill
It makes me feel alright

You know it feels alright
You know it feels alright...

Week 695: Dead Letters

This week's contest was to write a poem about someone who died in 2006.

Mister Peter Benchley
Who wrote a book called Jaws
Has gone to his creator
And that should give us pause
For though he’s up in heaven
You know he still is scheming
It won’t be just the ocean
That makes you run out screaming
For when you least expect it
(Perhaps while in the loo)
His ghost just might appear
And all he’ll say is BOO.

If you’re a deposed leader
‘06 was not your year
Milosevic was first to go
Not many shed a tear
He lost his last election
And then he went to jail
But before he got his due
His heart, perhaps, did fail.
Next to go was Pinochet
The Ex-Jefe of Chile
He crushed his opposition
And killed them willy-nilly
And last of all there’s Saddam
Found in his spider hole
For crimes against humanity
They hung him from a pole
So as we look both back
And forward as would Janus
The only words that come to mind
Are Sic Semper Tyranis

Week 699: Our Greatest Hit

This week's contest: Take a word, term or name that begins with E, F, G or H; add one letter, subtract one letter, replace one letter or transpose two letters; and define the new word.

Furmentation--what happens to roadkill that has been in the sun too long

Gamblur--someone who doesn't realize just how much they've lost

Gramma rays--the guilt you feel because you know, somehow, your grandma is watching you

Ginetics--procreating while drunk; blaming your low IQ on fetal alcohol syndrome

Gestopo--(usually preceded by The) The Pregnancy Police; people who feel the need to give advice to pregnant women ("you really should stop drinking, smoking, etc"), pronounced with a soft G, as in gestation

Getto--(usually preceded by The) Subdivisions filled with conspicuous consumers

Hallotween--that awkward age when you're too old to trick-or-treat but not old enough to drive or drink

Grannulation--the sneaking up of grandmother-hood; the gradual acceptance that you really are old

Week 707: What Would YOU Do?

This contest was to write a poem using only the 236 words that appear in The Cat in the Hat. I took that a step further, and wrote poems related to The Cat in the Hat.

The Cat in the Hat: Behind the Rhymes
We are all big now,
Yes, Sally and I.
Now we can tell you
The what and the why.

There was no tall cat,
No Thing One or Two.
The fish did not fall,
And said nothing, too.

We made it all up,
To mess with your mind.
We did it for fun,
And not to be kind.

You are the fish
That bit on our hook—
We made out well
From this little book!

The Cat in the Hat (Epilogue)
I did tell my mother
What went on here that day,
And she said some bad things—
Things I should not say!

She did not think it funny,
Not one little bit.
Oh, man, did she hit me!
She hit
hit
hit
hit!

Thump! on my back,
And Bump! on my head.
She hit and she hit
So her hand got all red.
And for day after day,
I had to sit on my bed.

Some Cat in the Hat limericks:

Our mother can not net a man.
(The last one she had, well, he ran.)
You know what I think?
Go get something pink—
Put that gown with the dots in the can!

A slightly more risque version:

Our mother can not bed a man.
(The last one she had, well, he ran.)
Do you know what I think?
She should get something pink
That will get him to look at her can!

Some Cat in the Hat haiku:

Man-cat came to play
Why did I let him come in?
Mother can not know!

Cat has a tall hat
What do you think is in it?
Find out in Book Two!

I think I see Things
When did we get that big cat?
I will give up pot

That cat made a mess
We will be in deep do-do
Sally—she did it!

Mother is not home
We have the run of the house
Why not let him in?

Week 716: The Hard Spell

In this contest, we were supposed to write a poem using a word from the 2007 National Spelling Bee. With this entry, I was hoping for the "Used More Words Than Anyone Else" award, but alas, no such award was given. I decided to replace the nonsense words in The Jabberwocky with real, albeit obscure, words. Almost all of the words are actually used correctly. I took some liberties with a couple, but only if there was no good word from the Spelling Bee list to use. Without further ado, I present:

The Sardoodledom
(with apologies to Lewis Carroll)

'Twas flebile, and the noctilucous girolles
Were acariasis in the haze;
All scytodepsic were the ophidians,
And the leucoryx did graze.

"Beware the Sardoodle, my son!
The polyphyodont jaws, the unguiculatey toe!
Beware the Beccafico, and shun
The furfuraceous Rascacio!”

He took his fauchard sword in hand,
Long time the stramineous foe he sought—
So rested he by the ruderal tree,
And was sejant awhile in thought.

And, as in saiminic thought he stood,
The Sardoodle, with eyes of flame,
Came wafture through the otate wood,
And grognarded as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The fauchard blade made it helzel!
He let it exsiccate, and with its head
He abseiled back pell mell.

"And hast thou slain the Sardoodle?
Come to my arms, my vituline boy!
Oberek day! Genizah! Rigaree!"
He schuhplattlered for joy.

'Twas flebile, and the noctilucous girolles
Were acariasis in the haze;
All scytodepsic were the ophidians,
And the leucoryx did graze.